


Remorse

by jacquelee



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 07:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16132634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacquelee/pseuds/jacquelee
Summary: Sara tries to adjust to her life in the League but the one thing she can't stop is feeling remorse.





	Remorse

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Superheroland](https://superhero-land.livejournal.com) on Livejournal for a prompt bingo challenge. The prompt was Remorse.

There were a lot of things about her new life that had taken a long time to get used to. Obviously, the pain and the exhaustion, the constant fear of being seen as not worthy enough, the fear of being singled out as not good enough and simply killed as she had seen it happen so many times in her still short time here. All of that made her feel like she wasn't even the same person anymore.

Of course, that was the point, she was not. Sara Lance was dead. She was the canary now, a name she had picked as a reminder of the good things in her life, her family. She had told Nyssa where the name came from once, and had expected her to disagree, to tell her that cutting off all ties included not to choose a name from her past, but she hadn't. She had simply smiled and told her that it was a beautiful name.

It had made her feel better, if only for a short time, as everything with Nyssa did. Even in all the pain and fear, Nyssa still had a way to make her feel safe. She appreciated it more than she could ever put in words.

But there was one thing she could not talk to her about. The remorse she felt after every time she killed someone. It had gotten better, she had compartmentalized, told herself that it was them or herself, reminded herself of the examples she had seen Ra's make of those who had failed to go through with their assignment. 

It was worse than dying, a thousand times worse. She could not even think about ever having to go through that. So she pulled the trigger, she threw the knife, she did what she had to do. There was no other way, no escape and she knew it. 

Except the remorse was still there. And she had no one to go to, no one who would understand. She had tried to talk to Nyssa, but she hadn't even grasped the concept of what Sara meant. For her, everyone they killed was an enemy of the League and therefore killing them was completely justified. She talked about it as if she was talking about cooking dinner or reading a book. As if it was a fact of life, nothing worth thinking about and feeling bad about. 

But Sara couldn't help it. She couldn't help the feeling tugging at her heart every time someone was lying dead to her feet, their life ended because of her. It ate her from the inside, more and more. 

She hated feeling like that, but even more than that, she was afraid that the moment she would stop feeling remorse was the moment she would stop feeling anything, and then she'd truly lose herself and become a monster.


End file.
